Cute Overload Expected to Protest Temporary Ban on Dog Meat

Dog meat has been removed from the menus of officially designated Olympic restaurants in Beijing for the duration of the 2008 Olympic Games, and this news has dog lovers cheering.

"I don't want to accidentally eat a dog," said Bernice de Montagne, a Judo and table tennis afficionado who will be attending the Games with her family. "And I know my three young children don't, either."

"We're grateful to not be in a position where we'd inadvertently be eating man's best friend," added Bernice's husband, Steadman. "Dogs should go on walks, not in woks."

Unfortunately, the dark cloud that threatens cute animals everywhere is expected to protest the temporary ban. Cute Overload, which famously revealed its true colors by knowingly promoting a flea and tick product that is poisonous and even lethal to cats and dogs, is expected to protest the temporary ban on dog meat.

"Accidentally harming animals, whether by poisoning them or eating them or whatever, is fun," a spokes-meanie from Cute Overload is expected to tell a crowd of horrified onlookers. "In fact, it should be an Olympic sport! That is why we promote Hartz flea and tick products to unsuspecting pet owners, who then buy the product and accidentally poison or kill their pets!"

"Good times," the spokes-meanie is expected to add.

March of the Penguins 2 Begins Filming

Animals Deeply Resent Being Pictured on Cute Overload

According to a recent poll, 100% of the world's animals are disgusted with Cute Overload. And those whose pictures appear on the site are especially incensed.

"No one asked me if I wanted to be part of this attack on people's pets," said a hedgehog named Jimmy, whose incredible cuteness is seen on Cute Overload.

"Our pictures are the core attraction on a blog that is promoting -- and profiting from -- the poisoning of cats and dogs," said a baby orangutan who was outraged when he discovered a snapshot of himself on the blog. "It makes my stomach turn."

"No animal supports Cute Overload," said Igor, a baby seal who is furious that a video of him being extremely adorable is available for viewing on Cute Overload. "She never asked my permission to use a video of me, and it sickens me to know that my cuteness is luring people into her Hartz death trap."

While all animals are appalled at the evildoings of Cute Overload, it's clear that dogs and cats whose images appear on the site are the hardest hit. Lena, a tabby whose own kittens were poisoned to death by Hartz flea and tick drops, has repeatedly requested that her image be removed from the site -- but she receives no response to her emails.

Georgie, a bulldog whose best friend, a Pekingese named Charlie, suffered major organ failure after having Hartz applied to his skin as directed and could not be saved, desperately wants his picture off of Cute Overload.

"She won't return my calls," he said. "So my cuteness continues to draw people to that stupid blog, and I can hardly sleep at night."

Georgie is terrified that he or his other friends -- Antigone, the French poodle down the street; Jester, the pug/chihuahua mix at the park; and the five newborn pups next door, to name a few -- will fall victim to the same fate.

"We can't speak for ourselves," said a spokespup for the animals. "We rely on the kindness of strangers not to mislead our owners into using products that will harm or kill us. Unfortunately, Cute Overload is a stranger to kindness."

Cute Overload Celebrates Freedom To Suck

For many Americans, July 4th is a time to celebrate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence, declaring our independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain. But for those behind the shady curtain now known as Cute Overload, July 4th is a reason to celebrate the freedom to knowingly promote a product that kills people's beloved pets in exchange for cold, hard cash. And what will they do with all that cash? Probably buy a forty-ounce Schlitz and a pack of Twinkies.

Cute Overload Expected to Promote Tainted Tomatoes

Someone was recently spotted digging around in a dumpster at a Bay area facility where tomatoes infected with salmonella are being disposed of. Authorities have not identified the woman, but many locals are saying that it must have been Meg Frost. The dumpster-lurker had several enormous laundry bags in her possession, and authorities believe she was planning to make off with thousands of the tainted tomatoes.

"With her record of promoting Hartz flea and tick products, which are known to kill people's pets," said the police chief, "we have reason to believe that she wouldn't hesitate to knowingly sell salmonella-infected tomatoes to unsuspecting persons."

The chief expects advertisements promoting the tomatoes to appear on Cute Overload "any day now." Officials have issued an advisory to individuals who frequent the web site, imploring them to use extreme caution when exposed to any advertisements sanctioned by Meg Frost. An artist's rendering of a potential Cute Overload tomato ad (pictured here) has been released to aid in the public-awareness campaign.

"The Meg Frost seal of approval," said the police chief, "is actually the kiss of death."

Cute Overload Death-O-Meter Reaches 140

The estimated number of dogs and cats indirectly killed by Cute Overload is now in the hundreds, according to scientists at Wichita, Kansas-based Labradoodle Laboratories.

"We conducted an analysis," said chief scientist Dr. Spot Barker, "taking into account the number of visits Cute Overload receives daily and the percentage of those visitors who are pet owners."

When results came in on Monday of this week, Dr. Barker demanded that the analysis be redone. "I looked at the numbers" he recalled, "and I thought, Good god, this just can't be."

But it was. The analysis was performed again and again, and the results kept coming back the same -- that at least 140 cats and dogs have either been killed or badly injured as a direct result of a Hartz product that was purchased as a direct result of seeing a Hartz ad on Cute Overload.

Next on the to-do list at Labradoodle Laboratories? "We're attempting to harvest a conscience using truth, kindness, decency, and a few test tubes," said Dr. Barker. "When the conscience is complete, we're going to overnight it to Meg Frost."

Meg Frost Learned Nothing from 'The Brady Bunch'

I'm just a fluffy little German baby goat, so I don't know much. I don't even know my own name. But I do know that Meg Frost didn't learn a single thing from watching The Brady Bunch.

Do you remember that episode in season three? The one in which the Brady family is chosen to star in a laundry soap commercial? And then they realize their hypocrisy? Because they don't actually use the product? The moral of the episode being, you know, not to lie? And especially not to lie in exchange for money? That one?

Now I'm just a fluffy little German baby goat, but don't underestimate my ability to issue a challenge. Meg Frost, I dare you to stand behind this "product" you are pushing in exchange for money. I invite you to purchase a package of Hartz Flea and Tick Drops at your local Buy N Large and then apply the drops to your own skin, right there on your back, just between your shoulder blades. Thatta girl! Now repeat.

If after using the product as directed, your fleas and ticks are gone, your skin is still intact, and (this is important) you are still breathing, then you can feel good about promoting this product on your blog. Otherwise? You may need to go against Hartz's instructions and have someone rush you to the vet.

Meg Frost Masters the Art of Irony

But not in a good way. Not like Stephen Colbert. The irony is more akin to a convicted sex offender working as a preschool teacher. Yes, Meg's is a depressing and destructive irony. On the one hand, she runs a blog called "Cute Overload," where she posts pictures of adorable animals -- many of them cats and dogs, kittens and puppies. On the other hand, she accepts money from Hartz in exchange for promoting a product that does this to those animals.

Cute Overload has managed to embody all of the classic attributes of an evil corporation. We don't know for sure, but we're guessing that Meg's a big fan of movies like Michael Clayton, The Insider, Erin Brockovich, and of course Soylent Green. We have it on good authority that she never watches the endings -- she makes up her own!

I don't know about you, but if I knew that Soylent Green was made out of people -- or that Hartz was made out of deadly toxins -- I wouldn't advertise it on my blog. For any amount of money. Ever. (And neither would Stephen Colbert.)

Blogger Rejects Offer to Advertise House Built on Toxic Dump

A responsible blogger was recently approached by a real estate firm looking to advertise a house that had been built on top of a toxic dump site.

The firm's owner, Mr. Greed E. Bastard--who indicated in his proposal that he wanted a family with "lots of children" to move in--offered to give the blogger $20K per month to run banner ads promoting the house until it sells.

The banner ad mock-ups featured an anthropomorphized house saying, "Skip the home inspector! The land this house is on used to be an apple orchard!"

"And when we get that baby sold," Bastard wrote in his proposal, "we got a preschool with walls and ceilings coated in dioxin-like polychlorinated Biphenyls and polychlorinated Dibenzodioxins we'd like you to help us get rid of--I mean, sell."

The blogger admitted that a $20K payout each month would be nice, but she knew that there was nothing safe about living in a house sitting on a toxic dump. Through a quick Internet search, she learned that the swath of land beneath the newly built home had been the site of unregulated dumping since the Vietnam War, when Union Carbide manufactured Agent Orange there. The sediment is contaminated with dioxins and other toxic chemicals, as well as lethal levels of arsenic, cadmium, lead, and mercury.

On the heels of Meg Frost's recent betrayal of her readers--and the animals in their care--by promoting Hartz's toxic flea and tick drops, this responsible blogger is being heralded as a bloggerhero.

"I'm no hero," the blogger told reporters at a press conference late Thursday night. "I'm just a decent person."

What's That, Lassie?

Timmy's not stuck in a well again, is he? What's that, girl? The neighbors did what? They saw an ad for Hartz flea and tick drops on Cute Overload and they did what? They bought Hartz UltraguardPro and did what? And now the dog is having seizures? Let's get that poor pup to a vet right away! Good girl, Lassie! I wish you could help us save all the dogs and cats whose owners are being tricked into poisoning them!

What's that, girl? Yes, Meg Frost is indirectly endangering animals' lives for a fast buck!